“Are you there God? It’s me, Michael.”
What happened, NHL? We used to be cool. Where did it all go wrong? Don’t you remember? It’s us, the Canucks; the lovable losers. The roommates who know how to make a bong out of leftover produce and duct tape. Why do you hate us?
Have you already forgotten about all the fun we used to have? We were that heavyset girl with Tina Yother’s nose and crippling Daddy issues. We’d show up at your place, falsely confident on the back end of a swing through Columbus and from huffing ether. You’d hang five or six on us, make fun of our jerseys, and kick us out before an actual contender came to town.
And for awhile, we were happy with the “arrangement” we had. I’m not trying to burden you, I’m not. It’s just that in those days, I was rebelling against something. I’m just not sure what it was? I mean, everyone’s different right, NHL? We all have our self destructive streaks. Some people get liquored up on Bartles and Jaymes and join an autoerotic asphyxiation chat room, while others trade for Robert Nordmark or draft Libor Polacek.
I guess I just wanted more. I was tired of being the laughing stock of your league. And that’s saying a lot. I mean, Barry Melrose, really? It’s like Richard Marx’s hair had a murder suicide pact with David Byrne’s suits. And, I’m still not sure the rash that glowing puck gave me has cleared up.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know when it all changed. This morning, I Googled “Most Hated Team in the Universe” and the Canucks were at the top of that list. (Actually, I Googled, “Most Hated Miss Teen Universe” first, and now, I’m on some kind of “watch list” but I’m not blaming you for that.”)
It’s not my fault we finally started putting it together. Draft picks starting to develop; free agent signings that made sense. Hey! We won’t be the pushovers that we once were, and we deserve to go from Talia Shire in Rocky to Talia Shire in Rocky IV.
I’m not going to apologize for that. We’ve earned the right to be happy. And if it means being the most hated team in the NHL to do it, well, I guess we’ll live with that too.
You know what NHL? You’re just jealous! Don’t think I haven’t noticed the passive aggressive attacks on us. The phantom calls, the unbalanced travel schedule, the “It’s complicated” under “relationship” on Facebook. Oh, and can you tell Mark Spector to stop calling us in the middle of the night and hanging up. We have call display. Thanks.
Yeah, sure we’re not perfect. I mean, yeah, maybe we “embellish” a little bit. OK, sure, we dive; a lot. I mean. A LOT! Seriously, you’ve seen us, right? I mean we go down faster than Veruca Salt after a year in Juvie. But, I just like to think that’s part of our charm; like finding a quaint Bed and Breakfast in Amish country with a working butter churn, or a cocktail waitress without aspirations to strip.
And Yes, I will be the first to admit that our fans can be hypersensitive and prone to blatant acts of stupidity, but in their defense, those garbage cans and windows had it coming. “Stupid windows, thinking they’re so great with they’re smooth edges…”
I will put our fan’s passion up against any other city’s fans in the entire league any day of the week. Except for Monday through Friday, because we’ve got a thing at the office, and then my boss has tickets and we get to the rink late, and I‘m in my suit, and we have to talk about the Greek economic crisis with these clients from Macau, but seriously… Any! Other! Day! Of! The! Week!
Canuck’s fans are there to support the team no matter what the outcome. Sometimes, we’ll look up from our iphones 6-7 times a night when #22 passes to that other guy. You know, the guy? The guy!?
Oh, and I love how the rest of the league seems to call our players dirty. Maybe you haven’t heard but Matt Cooke plays for Pittsburgh. Oh, he was a Canuck? Really? When? OK, well what about that “jerk,” Raffi Torres? Oh, Canuck too… Wow! Uhmm, OK, so we’ve had some players that play the game on the edge. You can’t win without those types of guys. And if it means, you’ve got to hit a guy and refuse to fight, or bite a guy in a scrum, or complain to an official to do it. Well guess what, NHL? We’re not afraid to take on those challenges.
Look, maybe we deserve some of the hate. After all, we’re one of the best teams in the league and being hated is a sign of respect. A badge of honour that says, “Hey, we’ve arrived…”
So, you know what, NHL? You can hate us. You can write about our whiny fans, and diving players, and our goalie’s bipolar playing style all you want. Because remember this. Our name is on the Stanley Cup and yours isn’t… “What? Really? Ah, come on! When did that happen?”
Uhmm, so you know what, NHL? You can hate us. You can write about our whiny fans and diving players and our goalie’s bipolar playing style all you want. Because remember this, NHL. Our name is on all those divisional banners hanging from the rafters. So, uhh, yeah, at least we got that going for us.Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT. I like the beginning of things.