- The Streaker – I’m not a prude, but when did a naked guy running through a public event become funny? Has something happened to male genitalia in the last 15 years that I don’t know about? Hats? Bird calls? I just don’t’ get it? I mean, unless you’re a eunuch or KD Lang, it’s not like we haven’t seen a wang, If you really want to stand out, take it to the next level. Do it during the Running of the Bulls or at a Wal Mart when the new Styx album goes on sale.
- Jukebox Jim Jones – I’m not going to lie, I like booze. I like poorly lit establishments with soft chairs and waitresses that look like Elisabeth Shue serve said booze. What I don’t like is you, Alvin Ailey; nor the Koreshian hold that you have over the jukebox. Yeah, I know that you lined up your quarters and all, but I’m here to drink not listen to you bitch about why there’s no fusion world beats on the “box.” Hey, just put your $6.00 worth of The Traveling Wilbury’s in and get it over with so I can continue to drink bourbon and figure out how to get the blood out of my trunk.
- Wedding Speech Guy – I’m going to let you in on a little secret: No one cares about the time you and the groom spent a week building a tree fort in the backyard, or that he loves to live life to the fullest. Here’s what every guy is thinking about in order: 1. Bridesmaids with low self esteem and a newly acquired dependence on diet pills. 2. Open Bar. 3. Prime Rib.
What’s my point? My point is this, Zandor. If countless episodes of Space Ghost have taught me anything, it’s that it’s only a matter of time until we’re all taking orders from Ryan Seacrest. And what will become of our individual legacies then? I mean, do we want our future generations to use Facebook pages, and the crap on there to rebuild our society?Can you imagine a Government and a Constitution based on what Love Boat character you are? Sure, it’s cool if you’re an Isaac, but what about the poor bastard that ends up as Adam Bricker? What if the President gets assassinated? Does all power immediately revert to Charo’s preserved brain in a jar?
Look, I know you want to fit in. I know the Canucks are the only game in town, but are you a fan or a SUPERFAN?! Lucky for you, the folks at, Briggs Meyer have stopped working on their society defining: “Are you a Bulimic Pirate” personality profile questions to help me out with a questionnaire to gauge your level of “fanhood”. There test is way better than my first attempt anyways:
Question 1 – Do you love the Canucks?
Question 2. – Cool, me too! Want to come over and jump on my trampoline?
Please fill out the questionnaire to the best of your ability. Remember, be honest.
1. When the Canucks win, do you…
a. Cheer loudly.
b. Exchange high fives with your friends?
c. Run through the living room with a Canuck’s flag?
d. Start preemptively looting to beat the crowds in July?
2. When the Canucks lose, do you…
a. Pout for a moment. They’ll get them next time.
b. Cuss loudly at the TV or in the arena.
c. Get easily irritated at the other team’s fans.
d. Think Morissey’s lyrics are speaking just to you.
3. Do you show your support for your team by..
a. Wearing a jersey or other piece of paraphernalia?
b. Decorating your car in Canuck’s colours?
c. Growing a playoff beard?
d. Walking around “Full Kesler” style at family events.
4. Would you describe your allegiance to the Canucks as…
c. Ebbing and Flowing with the fortunes of the team?
d. Remember those priests from the Beastmaster? Yeah.
5. How do you prefer to watch the Canucks?
a. I have a hi def TV.
b. At a sports bar with friends.
c. I listen on the radio.
d. Usually with night vision goggles, from a secluded view outside of Sami Salos house.
6. Do you attend Canucks games live?
c. Whenever I can.
d. I have a detailed picture of Rogers Arena with a map to my season tickets tattooed on my chest. Prison Break style.
7. How would you describe your level of Canuck’s fandom?
a. Watch once in a while.
b. Casual fan, because your friends are.
c. Never miss a game.
d. Is there a silent “c” in Hinckleyesque?
8. Who has been your favourite Goaltender coach?
a. Rollie Melanson
b. Ian Clarke
c. Frank Caprice
d. We have a goaltender coach? Seriously?
9. Are you immersed in the Canuck’s culture?
a. Yes, I talk about the Canucks with friends all the time.
b. No, I like the team, but I just prefer to watch the games.
c. Somewhat, I do watch the highlights after the game.
d. I’ll get back to you. I’m busy teaching these monkeys to reenact Game 7 from 1994
10. Would you ever do anything immoral in pursuit of your fanhood?
d. How many?
11. Do you pay attention to the Sports Media and their “take” on the Canucks?
a. I do not.
b. I read the occasional local article.
c. I listen to the local radio shows.
d. No, but just out of curiosity, does Dave Pratt have a fear of enclosed spaces?
12. When Alex Burrowes does his goal celebration of shooting an arrow, do you…
a. Know that it is a tribute to his late friend Luc Bourdon
b. Know that he has scored a big, series defining goal.
c. Know that he plays the game with a kid’s enthusiasm.
d. Know that the British will be attacking at any moment, so best to put on your armour.
Scoring: 0 – 10 - You’re a casual fan. Good on you, you don’t take things too seriously. You’re probably a guy that likes to tell people to watch, The Wire and enjoy some serious microbrews. I’m willing to bet you’ve got some novelty t-shirts and really like the fast breakneck pace of Branson, Missouri.
10 – 20 – You’re a fan. You know all the names of the players. You go to the games you have a car flag, you’re only comfortable around your own kind. You get mad when people walk in front of the screen during the game, and you hate when people wear a jersey that don’t even have the fight straps. Down. You call the players by their first names and call in the local shows to let the hosts know about the blockbuster deal you’ve just worked out on EA NHL 12.
20 – 30 – You’re a Samantha. (Sorry, I’m plagiarizing these results. Just go with it.)
30-40 – You’re a fanatic. You’re in therapy because of the anger you feel towards your parents for not being a twin. Sometimes, in the middle of the night you wake up with Salo sympathy pains. You wouldn’t sign the pre-nup until your wife took your “1990-91 Pavel Bure Upper Deck Rookie Card” off the table as community property should you get divorced. You sulked for weeks when your wife didn’t see the whimsy in naming her breasts Krutov and Larionov. You’ve spent hours at the pharmacy carving down your antidepressants into replicas of Luongo’s masks. You don’t need Viagra. You always start slow in October.
Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT. I’m one of you.