Long Time, First Time. I'll Hang Up and Listen. A Sports Radio Advice Guide...

I want you to know something. I only like the beginnings of things. I mean, who wouldn't? Who wants to deal with funerals, kissing Martha Plimpton or melted ice cream? Not me, not me.

I can' t be the only one? Who hasn't "accidentally" hit the reset button on Pitfall a million times or rewound the scene where Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman get into the cab for the first time. Sadly, for the same reason.

I guess that's what I love and hate about sports radio in Vancouver. Every show begins with such promise, a pristine, unscripted world waiting to be populated with the thoughts and machinations of the hosts. Of course, it usually only lasts about 5 minutes until that pristine world becomes the broadcasting equivalent of a chocolate fountain set up in Caligula's bedroom.

It's an obvious problem alright. The Canucks are the only show in town. Oh, excuse me, the only show in town that matters. Yes, I know we have the CFL, and soccer, but let's face facts, the Canucks are John Oates to the rest of the sports' Daryl Hall. Sure, they're professional teams, but all they do is sing back up and clap their hands.

The thing is, sports radio has 10 hours to fill, and there's just so much dissection of the Canucks a guy can take. So, to fill up some of that time, the callers have their say. No, really. Now, this may sound like the Algonquin round table. A civilized discourse among peers as they trade pithy bon mots around a few glasses of tawny port, but instead it usually ends up turning into the last five hours of Ho Chi Minh City, and there's only room on the helicopter for your wife or hooker.

Look, let me just say it: You're going to embarrass yourself. But with this helpful primer, maybe you won't be one of these guys...

1. Little Miss Obvious - You like to take up valuable bandwdth by subjecting the audience to such revelations as; "...fighting is part of the game," "...the power play has to get going," "...Luongo needs to have a better start" "Cupcakes are just gay muffins..." You're the same guy that likes to point out continuity errors in movies or asks for the nutritional information at Arbys. Tip... You're at an ARBY'S! You use airquotes for no reason and your email signature has some kind of quote in it. There's more than a 90% chance you've paid for sex because your last girlfriend left you after you stopped her naughty schoolgirl fantasy halfway through because she wasn't writing "Do Me" in whipped cream on her stomach in the approved MLA style.
2. The Expert - You like to take time out from your high pressure job to call in and give some advice about the topic of the day. "I'm a male nurse so I think I know a little something about Sidney Crosby's concussion."  Where else is this even permissable? Are there people calling up Meet the Press with things like "Hi, I'm part of a puppet regime in a small Central American country, but I've just made the leap to dictator ruling with an iron fist, so I think I know a little something about genocide." You're the guy who passes out his business card at parties or talks about his SAT scores 15 years after the fact. Without a doubt you have spun the time you stood next to Alex Burrows at a urinal into being his best friend. You even have pictures.
3. Played the Game Guy - Your claim to fame is calling in and letting the audience know that the reason Luongo's play has been subpar as of late is because he's just not thinking the game correctly. You can say this because you played goalie in house league when you were 7. You've got a jersey with your name on the back. Wait, you've got your nickname on it. No, wait.. you've got a home jersey with your name and an away jersey with your nickname. You put ketchup on most of your food and when the "butter" scene comes on in "Last Tango in Paris" you scoff that margarine would have been the better choice.
4. One Sided Crazy Trade Guy - I'm not sure how you've managed to find the time from your lucrative Nigerian Letter email scam or flat hose infommercials to call in, but you've managed to figure out how the Canucks can get their hands on a guy like Evgeni Malkin for the low price of a couple of 3rd liners and a pick. You're the kind of guy that hands out one tic tac or doesn't add a tip when you're out with a group. At some point, you've replaced your roommate's Coke with generic Cola.
5. Halcyon Days of Yore Guy - You like to call in on your Jitterbug or corded phone to let us all know how sports were when you were a kid. "These guys don't know how good they got it. In my day, the players were always dying of the consumption and the Kaiser was constantly drafting us into service." You scoff at things like visors and kevlar neck guards. When you watched hockey, sometimes a Bengal tiger would get loose on the ice and kill 3 or four of the players. You're obviously, confused, alone, possibly under the impression you were calling a Bea Arthur sex line. Either way, your grandkids need reminding of how you fought for their right to get lower back tattoos.
6. Coach Coacherson - Coach Coacherson coached "Played the Game" guy. He likes to call in to let everyone know that when a player is not playing well you need to bench him or if you need a goal you put your scorers on the ice. If you want to prevent a goal you need to play defense. The TV Guide crossword was tailor made for you. You're the reason they put pictures of the food on menus at chain restaurants. You explain the plots of "Three's Company" to innocent passersby. "In this one, there's a misunderstanding among the roommates over something they've overheard."

Some smaller quibbles:

1. The hosts are always good. They were good the first time they answered the phone, and they're good now. Stop asking.
2. "Remember that time we met at the game/remote/parole hearing and I said "Woooo-hooo! and Canuck's are number 1" Remember me? No. They don't.

Follow me at @steveintheKT I'll hang up and listen...