Sad Kesler vs. Brooding Vampires - Tale of the Tape

If there are any brooding teens at your house, then you know that this Friday is the release of the new, Twilight, Gay Vampire movie.

Look, I know very little about the franchise, but I’m not going to lie to you, it is way, way down on my list of sullen vampire movies to see. I don’t want to be a total curmudgeon, but when did vampires become pissy teenage girls? Where are the ninja vampire hunters? Where are the ninja werewolves fighting the ninja vampires?

I haven’t been this disappointed in the undead since, Brad Pitt turned Kirsten Dunst into a vampire. Sure, I can forgive the centuries of absolute evil, but creating a Kirsten Dunst that cannot die? Unfathomable!

I’ve not seen a lot of the Twilight series, but the whole franchise looks like an “Abercrombie and Fitch” catalogue had a baby with Morissey’s lyrics. Here’s what I do know, possibly environmentally aware, bi-curious vampires, (definitely Euros) are being hunted by shirtless werewolves in Seattle.

Big deal! We all know that when it comes to being legendary and shirtless in the Pacific Northwest, it’s all about two words: Ryan. Kesler.

Shirtless Ryan Kesler versus the “Sad-pires” from Twilight

Sadpire: Sparkle in the sunlight.

Kesler: Abs don’t look airbrushed under Roger’s Arena lights.

Edge: Kesler

Sadpire: Live off a diet of blood drained from woodland creatures.

Kesler: Ice chips and Mark Recchi’s finger.

Edge: Sadpires

Sadpire: Usually, travels in a pack, inflicting horrible evil upon the human world.

Kesler: Flyers signed him to an offer sheet.

Edge: Kesler

Sadpire: Has a telepathic connection with Bella.

Kesler: “American Express” line lasted two games.

Edge: Sadpires

Sadpire: Forbidden to trespass on ceremonial Indian land.

Kesler: Teammates need to be aware when the camera comes out.

Edge: Kesler

Sadpire: Can only be killed by beheading.

Kesler: Labral tear still acts up in the rain.

Edge: Sadpire

Sadpire: Allergic to silver. Will cause burns and disfigurement

Kesler: At night, when no one’s around, puts on his Olympic medal and cries.

Edge: Sadpire

Sadpire: Will never know the sweet release of death.

Kesler: May finish his career in Columbus.

Edge: Sadpire

Sadpire: Has been feared and hunted throughout his life.

Kesler: Still refuses any contact with Alan Ladd.

Edge: Kesler

Follow me on Twitter @steveintheKT. I twinkle in the moonlight.