If you’re reading this, then I’m already dead. I should know better than to trust room temperature seafood in landlocked states.
For years, we’ve always felt something was always amiss with the relationship between the NHL and the Boston Bruins, and now we know we’re not just raving lunatic fans.
My dearest Marlene, I’ve finally managed to connect the dots, and what I’ve found has confirmed our suspicions all along; there’s a super secret shadow cabinet controlling the NHL. I’m not sure how high it goes, or to what they hope to accomplish. (… the breakdown of western society? A new world order where we all wear the Minnesota Wild 3rd jerseys? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!)
Be careful! TRUST NO ONE! Take the accompanying evidence to Mike Milbury at Hockey Night in Canada. He’s got a good, logical head on his shoulders; he’ll know what to do. Remember, trust no one. My God, look what they’ve done to Tony Gallagher!
After canvassing several attendees of the party, it is in my opinion that Mr. Stein’s death was a suicide.
Mr. Stein’s office mate, Mr. Gary Bettman will assume the role of NHL president.
July 3, 2003 – Intercepted Email from Delta IceHawks
Lucic, continues to make excellent progress. We have had an unfortunate setback, not making the Coquitlam Express on the first try out, but I have taken the necessary steps to ensure that he will make the team. Darcy Rota has his sights set on a large puck moving defenseman from Alberta, but he is about to meet with an unfortunate accident on an outdoor pond.
Unrelated, do we really need the dogs with the glowing eyes? I mean , they’re freaking us all out. It’s already bad enough you keep sending Pierre McGuire to watch over him.
June 6, 2006 – From the personal journal of Jeremy Jacobs
According to the prophecy, it has come to pass. On the 3rd week of the summer solstice, when the moon drips with blood, in the city of hemp, a team from the east will rise and take HIM into their fold.
We’ve done all that is necessary: the human sacrifices, the pentagram under the ice, and the summoning of the demon, Chara for his protection Nothing can stop us. Also, If you could live up to your end of the contract, and make us more relevant than the RedSox, that would be great. OK, uhhm, maybe the Celtics? No? What about the WNBA? Boatshows?
Intercepted Emails from Gary Bettman to Colin Campbell
“…Colin, the time is nigh. Do not disappoint our master. Send out the appropriate emails to your minions, I mean, referees, and ensure that the Bruins are not to be touched. Even that “fake artist” Savard. He’ll get his….
Don’t you see what’s happening Marlene? I’ve been to the NHL offices in the Vatican, and I’ve spoken with Father Ciccarelli. There are no records of Milan Lucic’s birth. The hospital he was born in was consumed in fire, and I can’t prove it yet, but a mysterious elbow keeps appearing on all the pictures I’ve taken of Marc Savard.
Marlene, protect yourself, take whatever precautions are necessary to get this information into the right hands. So many people have given their lives to bring this evil to the surface. Don’t you see it, Marlene?
The hits by Chara, the boarding calls gone unpunished by the league, My God, they’ve even won the Stanley Cup! The Stanley Cup! Granted, the silver of the Cup burns Brad Marchand’s skin, but nonetheless…
Marlene, if you’re not convinced about Milan, then this last piece of evidence will convince you. Take care my love…
Transcript of Audio Captured from Ryan Miller’s Helmet Mic
(grunting, fabric rustling) “**ck you Lucic, Get out of my crease, dick. Get off me, what the **ck? Bull**** you weren’t pushed. Get off of me… What the hell? What’s that on your scalp? Are those 6’s? Hey, ref! REF!! I think Lucic is the antichrist!”
Intercepted Cellular Phone Call from TD Arena in Boston
Chiarelli: He knows! Ryan Miller knows! He saw the sign, he’ll ruin everything. He’s already blabbed to the referees. What if he gets a “between the benches” segment at the period break?
Bettman: We control the referees. They’ll say nothing. Now is the time to unleash Milan’s wrath. Whisper “Destroy his motorbike and throw it in the lake…” He’ll know what to do.
Godspeed, Maureen! Godspeed!
Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT and for God’s sake, be careful!