Saturday, November 5, 2011

Don't Panic. Now is the Time to Panic!

Irving Berlin was famous for telling young, ambitious songwriters to “…write what you know.” I hope this isn’t true because I don’t think the world’s ready for an erotic thriller adapted from old, Gentle Ben episodes.

Here are three of my other ideas that didn’t exactly bear fruit:

1.      Snackster – Hot on the heels of Napster, my idea was to make use of all those unused condiments in the door of your refrigerator by letting users “share” them.  Right? I mean we’ve all bought a jar of mango chutney because we wanted to see the hot girl from, Top Chef  in her bra.  Users could trade condiments back and forth all the while providing me with a small fee for locating them.  The result? It barely got to the Beta stage, it seems room temperature tartar sauce and bubble wrap combine into something the CDC is calling Hepatitis J. 

2.      Clapster – OK, yes, it’s true, I have a thing for putting “-ster” on the end of things. Honestly, I think it takes something rather common, and classes it up a bit; like polishing an old lamp or Paris Hilton’s vagina. My idea was a simple but timely one:  I would contract with various daytime talk shows, town hall meetings, infomercials, executions, etc… and supply them with studio audience members. The pricing was very easy:

  • $50 for a standard audience member
  • $100 for an “intense listener”
  • $250 for a vigorous head nodder.
  • $500 for someone to ask a question that makes the audience clap emphatically.
  • $750 for a concerned housewife to interrupt the speaker with a “What about the children!” blast.
  • $1000 for someone willing to be tased and or removed by security.

3.      Common Sensinator 2000 – Perhaps my greatest and most unfulfilled idea. High profile clients would pay handsomely to keep me on a 24 hour, 7 day a week retainer.  I had one job and one job only. Anytime said person is about to put a shark tank in their home,  grow a creepy beard, meet up with a stripper behind a Taco Bell or star in a reimagining of Annie with robot orphans, they’d look over at me and I’d just shake my head. Problem solved.

What’s my point? My point is this… Sometimes the heart of an idea gets lost in the details.

The Canucks have gotten off to a rather tepid start and the hockey loving public in Vancouver is not taking it well. Check out the message boards on online forums, turn on the radio or just approach, Gina in Accounting, and you’ll soon learn there’s a dark blue and green cloud hanging over the city.

But is this just the usual panic of a fan base known for making something like a slow start and some defensive setbacks into the equivalent of “Jonestown” on ice? (…and yes, it’s a musical.) 

I’ve decided to gauge the temperature of the typical Canuck’s fan, and see if they really are as hysterical as the rest of the NHL makes them out to be.

I’ve put together a random sampling of everyday situations. Some are innocuous, some inflammatory, and some are even just plain old silly. Armed with the hypothetical situations, I took to the local malls and asked typical Vancouverites their reactions to said stories. I then asked those Vancouverites wearing Canuck’s gear their responses to the same situations.  

Here are the results….

Q. You’ve locked your keys in the car. What would you do?

Typical Person: “I’d probably call a locksmith or someone that had an extra key. And just wait quietly.


Q.  Your son or daughter has been an exemplary student for years. She recently brought home a C+ on a paper. What would you do?

Typical Person: Tell her to maybe study harder, but a C+ is nothing to really worry about. It’s still well above normal, and she’ll correct it next time around.

Canuck’s Fan: After the rigorous series of paternity tests were done, I’d put a wadded up pile of bills in her hand, give her a hunk of jerky, and send her on her way. If you want to be a Peterson, you know it’s all about, “…what have you done for me lately?”

Q.  You’re at a restaurant and the Waiter brings you the wrong entrée. What do you do?

Typical Person: “I would explain the error to the Waiter, and ask to have it replaced. I would hope the Manager would buy us dessert or perhaps a gift card or something.”

 Canuck’s Fan: I’d call the Waiter over and point out the mistake. By “point out” I mean launch it across the table and then try and choke him out. I’d get the Manager involved, and declare a Jihad on the kitchen staff. I don’t need your free “Chocolate Lava Cake!!”  And the next time I show up at that restaurant, that Waiter better be gone!!!

Q: You’re at a reception for one of your children’s school activities. Someone at your table disagrees with your opinion. What do you do?

Typical Person: While I believe strongly in my convictions, I understand that people have differing opinions. I wouldn’t let it bother me.

Canuck’s Fan: Obviously this guy’s a dick! I’d probably write him a letter or call him later or go online and make sure everyone knew what an idiot he is, because he had an opinion that’s different than mine. Oh, let me guess, he’s probably from Toronto. Yeah, big shot, elitist jerk.

Q. How do you feel about suicide cults?

Typical Person: I think they’re sad, horrible organizations that pray on the disturbed and disenfranchised.

Canuck’s Fan: Is this almost done, I have to pick up my game worn, Peter Nordmark jersey and get to the big tweet up!

Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT. I feel your pain. I do!!!!

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