Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Nosferatu Wouldnt' Put a Team in Nashville!

Right now, in a poorly lit basement, there’s an underground, Kumite being formed by 9 year olds for the last fun size Aero bar. So, we’re still in that murky gray, post Halloween lull somewhere between a "Smarties" induced diabetic coma, and cutting Fun Dip with baby laxative, Studio 54 style.
You know, sometimes the phrase “…there’s a fine line between insanity and genius” has never been more appropriate. Wait, that’s not really what’s happening here. OK, let’s try this…There’s  a fine line between sending out your daughter for trick or treating dressed like “Taylor Swift” and   sending her out looking like an extra from, The Wire. Yeah, that’s about right.  That’s what we’re feeling.
So, I’m just going to forget the meandering and get right to my point. Yep, I’m busting out the figurative T-Shirt cannons and they’re ready to go.
Bram Stoker’s great grandson has found the author’s private journal, in which he sketched the very first image of, Dracula. Now, I’m a rational guy. I don’t believe in monsters, or ghosts, or the Irish, but you try explaining this…  

Look, I’m as terrified as you are. I immediately got on the next plane to Transylvania (Protip: the Kosher meal is fantastic) and did some digging into the Carpathian archives. I’m no, Indiana Jones, but what I uncovered will both haunt and amaze you. Like Harvey Keitel in, The Bad Lieutenant or KFC’s "Famous Bowl."
I’ve managed to compare the original version of Bram Stoker’s, Dracula with Gary Bettman’s personal journal, and in my own opinion as a historian (…and fatter Hardy Boy) there’s a very good chance that the commissioner of the NHL is Nosferatu! Vampyre! Well, look, you be the judge…
Dracula: "As the Count leaned over me and his hands touched me... a horrible feeling of nausea came over me, which, do what I would, I could not conceal." – Bram Stoker, Chapter 1, Dracula
Bettman’s Diary: “..sigh, what a day, I handed the Stanley Cup to Crosby today, and my when we shook hands he pulled away quickly. I can’t help it. I have sweaty hands. Anyways, he made a weird face and skated away before I could even say congratulations. On a plus side, I’m getting over the constant taunts of the fans The Dr. was right. They are chanting “Boootman…”

Dracula: “When the Count saw my face, his eyes blazed with a sort of demonic fury, and he suddenly made a grab at my throat. I drew away, and his hand touched the string of beads which held the crucifix. It made an instant change in him, for the fury passed so quickly that I could hardly believe that it was ever there."- Bram Stoker, Chapter 2, Dracula
Bettman’s Diary: Met with Balsille again today. That guy’s a dick.”

Dracula: "I am here to do your bidding, Master. I am your slave..." – Bram Stoker, Chapter 10, Dracula
Bettman’s Diary: “I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something I really like about that Pierre McGuire. Good dude. Oh, new idea for the dream journal… “Superheroes based on NHL Teams. What could go wrong?”

Dracula: “I shall cut off the head and fill the mouth with garlic, and I shall drive a stake through the body."- Bram Stoker, Chapter 15, Dracula.
Bettman’s Diary: “Dear Diary, God you try and offer Colin Campbell the littlest bit of advice on what to do about Matt Cooke, and this is the crap I get. I can’t wait until he retires.”

Dracula: “Was this a customary incident in the life of a solicitor's clerk sent out to explain the purchase of a London estate to a foreigner?" – Bram Stoker, Chapter 2, Dracula.
Bettman’s Diary: “Gary, find us new markets, Gary, we need more revenue.” Gary, do this, Gary do that… Well, hey, guess what, they have ice in England too. Who knew “ice cricket” means “cold sore” over there. Man, and I thought trying to get a team into Phoenix was going to be tough. TGIF!! Remember to DVR Gilmore Girls.

Dracula:  “He was very pale, and his eyes seemed bulging out as, half in terror and half in amazement, he gazed at a tall, thin man, with a beaky nose and black moustache and pointed beard..."- Bram Stoker, Chapter 13, Dracula
Bettmans Diary: “Finally able to sit down with the accountant from Dallas again. Gary, remind Gary to look up what exactly, “hemorrhaging money” really means. Thank God, we’ve still got that cash cow in Atlanta.
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Next week, I draw a startling parallel between Barry Trotz and his offseason returning the ring to Mount Doom.   

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