Tuesday, November 15, 2011

NHL Game Night - Pop O' Matic Bubble Included

I’ve always been more intrigued about the details. I mean, it’s pretty safe to say that we (the human race, a few enlightened Sleestaks) all expect the same big picture things. Right, we all want peace, an end to poverty, to be with people that are intrinsically good souls. It’s very seldom we’re looking for someone who wants to control the weather or puts the heads of his enemies on pikes outside of his house as a warning to others.  That’s exactly why you never see Stalin at speed dating.
What’s my point? My point is this: when it’s all said and done, it’s those tiny idiosyncratic ticks that make us who we are for better or worse.
I apply this same idea to my everyday life. It’s impossible for me to sit through, Star Wars and not wonder why there’s a significant lack of signage around the Death Star. Really, you’ve got a huge bureaucracy living and working on a moon sized satellite, and there’s not one “Karaoke with the Fett” sign-up sheet, or a first aid diagram showing you how to do the Heimlich Maneuver on someone being “forced choked.”
I guess that’s why I’m such a fan of party games. I love being able to use all the useless nuggets rattling around in my head for good, (…and access to unlimited spinach dip). 
Everyone loves, CLUE or Charades or Jenga. As a matter of fact, the party game business is a multi billion dollar a year industry. And that doesn’t even include the money raked in from settlements in Pictionary related crimes of passion.
So, it’s only natural that as revenues in some markets begin to shrink, the NHL is forced to examine other streams of revenue. According to my sources (Mom) the NHL has entered into an exploratory beta testing stage of NHL themed board games.
Lucky for you, I’ve got some of the mock ups:

John Tortorella Mad Libs. (Obviously, it’s for mature audiences)
You Mother_________ can just mind your own God_________ business. This whole game has been a huge pile of horse __________ , and the referees are _________ holes.

Don Cherry, Unabomber or Cocoon. – Each card contains three quotes. Each team has 60 seconds to decide which quote was made by lovable fusspot, Don Cherry, postal system enthusiast, and lover of hoodies, The Unabomber, or the disturbingly erotic, Cocoon.
“Leftists tend to hate anything that has an image of being strong, good and successful. They hate white males, they hate rationality, they hate the West because they are strong and successful.”
“I’m being ripped to shreds by the left-wing Pinko newspapers out there. It’s unbelievable. One guy called me a jerk in a pink suit.”
“…you work all your life, you pay taxes, you’re a good citizen, and what do you end up with? A tight rug.”

Todd Bertuzzi’s Sorry – Each player takes a turn giving a tearful apology for something they’ve done. The winner is the one that’s not named in the pending civil suit.

CLUE – NHL Edition – In this reimagining of the popular board game, you take on the persona of one of the  characters suspected of killing Mr. Body. Was it Matt Cooke in the TD Garden with the Sharpened Elbow Pad?  Or, was it Sean Avery in the Garden with his hurtful words?

Alexi Semin’s Battleship – You apathetically call out a series of letters and numbers. Not really caring if you hit something or not. To be fair, you don’t even know what the big deal is with Battleship. You know that you’d rather be playing, “Connect 4.”

Don’t Blow Your Top – In this version of the “fun for all ages” game form the 70’s, each player takes turns guessing what the discipline will be for  various cheap shots throughout the league from the last 3 seasons in the NHL. Every time you get one wrong, the tie on Brian Burke’s neck gets looser. Don’t be the one that makes the tie come all the way off, or Brian will “Blow. His. Top! (Brian Burke not included)

Sami Salo’s Operation – Careful to remove just the right parts (all) of everyone’s favourite Finnish defenseman. Don’t hit the sides, or you’re going to get buzzed. “Careful, Butterfingers!” Also, the box is huge!
Honestly I hope these games really catch on. These are way better than my ideas for NFL themed board games. Well, better than my idea for, “Ray Lewis’ CLUE” where you just go around the board pretending you didn’t see anything. Got it!
Follow me at @SteveintheKT I’m more of a Pop-O-Matic bubble guy, but I’m cool with your dice.

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