Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Kneel Before Rod - Puppies Dressed as Bunnies Edition (Don't be a Dick)

This might be more of an indictment of me than you, but I’m just going to say it. If you don’t like sports, or can’t talk about sports, there’s a more than 90% chance we’re not going to be friends.                
I really don’t think I’m asking for much. I’m not asking for you to recite the balk rule or run down the compensation for signing a restricted free agent or anything, but I definitely don’t want to hear that story about your Sister mistaking trail mix for oatmeal again.
Quite honestly, I live by a lot of rules. I’m not apologizing for it, but I think that’s’ what separates us from the animals. Actually, I take that back, I like to think there’s some pretty progressive zebras out there that kick other zebras out of the herd for talking about last week’s, Entourage.  
Here’s three other things I believe strongly in…
1.      If you order your steak anything but medium rare, then we have nothing in common, I’m also positive your favourite Spice Girl is the chunky, blonde one. Also, you shouldn’t have a favourite Spice Girl.

2.      If you’re going to have a show in which you rebuild a guy using bionics, then you better be fighting a Sasquatch and or Fembot every second episode. It’s just good manners isn’t it?

3.      People like to complain…

What’s my point? Here’s my point. No one ever interrupts “Brad” down at the Keg to let him know the ribs were exceptionally well done tonight. Nope, whether it’s commenting anonymously on a Facts of Life fan blog (It’s always about Blair’s cousin…) or waiting on hold for 45 minutes with a local radio station just so you can tell the host, “Man, Luongo really needs to work on his rebounds.”
Anyways, I’ve already tuned you out, and I’ve got my own complaints about the game we all love so much.
1.      Banging the Glass Guy. Are you trying to startle the player? Do you think he’s going to look up and comment on your tribal bicep tattoo, and in doing so cough up the puck? Are you the same guy that taunts the lobsters in the tanks down at the local seafood shack?  Are you still mad that you and another guy showed up at the arena in matching flat billed Yankee’s caps set jauntily askew? Are you living off the royalties of your Great Grandfather who was the first guy to honk his horn as a way to meet women?

2.      “Standing Up When the Puck Goes in the Corner Guy” – No one exemplifies the belief that everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame more than this guy. We’ve all seen him, the puck goes into the corner, with the TV camera following suit. This guy stands up and puts his hands over his head and yells to let you know he’s at the game. There’s an extra bonus if he’s got his cell phone in his hand, because, you know, there’s a group of excited onlookers waiting at home to see Dave on TV. You’re obviously not satisfied with being featured on those Amber Alerts.

3.      Fake Erudite Boyfriend Guy – Now, this is not a friend or a relative of yours because if it were, you could easily put some sodas in a pillowcase and beat him to death when he chose the 2nd period to talk about why he doesn’t have cable and how football is a working man’s game and how he chooses to spend his time reading to the blind. No, this guy is always the dick who accompanies one of your wife’s friends and sits on your sofa in his fedora and skinny jeans and will try to convert everyone to veganism.

4.      Drunk by the First Period Guy – Look if anyone supports functional alcoholism and sloppy drunkards, it’s me.  I love these guys. I love taking pictures of them passed out in fountains or with a dead hooker a la Senator Geary in Godfather II.  But, I abhor a guy who gets drunk before the game barely starts. This is the guy who will put his arm around you during your team’s opening drive and talk about getting a monkey or wishing he’d finished college or that we should all open a bar together.

5.       Knows Too Much About Sports Girl – Sometimes, I want to feel sorry for her like a clown with a tear on his face or a carnie that will never know the embrace of true love.  But that quickly fades after she tells me for the 8th time how to calculate E.R.A.  Look, I’m a traditionalist. I expect my lesbian porn to be between two schoolgirls and or cheerleaders that have been naughty and or sweaty.  I respect you as an equal. I think you should be paid equally for doing the same work as I do but you”re quoting statistics and player names sounds exactly like you talking about why you own yet another pair of black pants.

6.      Novelty Jersey Guy – Look, there’s a reason you don’t see any “Hitler’s #1” foam fingers”, they’re in poor taste. The same goes for jerseys with the number “69” or something lewd on the back of them. First off, you’re a grown man, so why are you wearing a jersey anyways? If you’re over the age of 13, and you’re still busting out a jersey to wear to “support the boys…” it’s time to put down the controller, leave your, Flock of Seagulls cover band and take out the nose ring. 

7.      Newly Engaged Guy – Remember what Chief did  when McMurphy got lobotomized? Exactly, just don’t’ throw my ceramic nacho sombrero through the window; my wife will have my ass.  

8.       Fantasy Hockey Guy – I don’t like this guy for the same reason I am not a fan of drug cartels or mercenaries.  Just sit on the couch, watch the game and eat your hot wings. Don’t stand up and fist pump when Jeff Skinner scores a garbage goal with the Hurricanes down by 5, because that means you beat “Rusty Klesla Coils” in the office pool.  That’s like cheering when Kennedy was shot, because you really have a thing for pillbox hats.
Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT. You know what, if you're going to talk about your diet, forget it.

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