I’ve mentioned before that I’m a huge fan of movies. I’m willing to always suspend my disbelief providing it can be presented in a way that seems actually plausible. But even I can’t buy into the fact that there’s not one piece of comfortable furniture in, Superman’s “Fortress of Solitude.”
I mean this is an entire planet that perfected interstellar travel, and they’ve never heard of a futon? You’d think someone would have said, “Hey, you know, before we bust out the whole spinning hula hoop prison and the rocket that looks a Vegas hooker’s earring, maybe you can take a look at this thing I’m working on. I call it a couch.’
No wonder, Zod wants to take over the earth. Wouldn’t’ you want to enslave a people that were responsible for the recliner or bean bag chair?
I’d have fond the plot to Superman way more believable had he gotten so pissed about putting together a book case from IKEA, he flew around the world, thus going back in time, just so he can order something from Pottery Barn.
What’s my point? My point, Clark, is this…. Sometimes, it’s the simple things that matter.
Sidney Crosby is inching ever so close to returning, and it might even be this week. As excited as I am, I’m also very concerned.
If movies about thawing out dudes found trapped in ice (Captain America, Encino Man, that weird spider thing from, The Thing) have taught me anything, it’s that you have to go slowly and keep it simple.
Sid’s been gone for awhile (…no word on whether he shines shoes anymore or not) and the NHL is a whole new game. Let’s ease him in shortly like we would if he was encased in ice. Here’s what scientists did for the “iceman” found in Europe several years ago, and heres what we should do for Sid.
Iceman – Scientists spend days trying to convince him about wondrous “flying machines” and “doors that open as if by magic.”
Crosby – Chris Kunitz spends hours trying to convince Sid that the Leafs are leading the Northeast Diviosn.
Iceman – Communicating with a crude series of grunts and hand gestures makes his assimilation into the new world difficult.
Crosby – Becomes frustrated after asking Kevin Weeks to repeat himself for the 3rd time in the media scrum.
Iceman – Paints a series of pictures on his cave wall depicting a stark existence in a frozen wasteland fleeing from feral beasts.
Crosby – Just got his itinerary for his first game in Winnipeg.
Iceman – His body is not accustomed to the various bacteria and microbes that did not exist during his time and could become very ill, and even possibly die.
Crosby – Has told James Neale to stop flossing in the sauna for about the hundredth time.
Iceman – Becomes frightened and agitated at the loud, jarring noises that permeate our new world.
Crosby – Looking forward to playing in Columbus.
Iceman – Wears the skins and furs of animals to keep from freezing to death in the harsh climes of his world.
Crosby – Goes out of his way to avoid a welcome back hug from Max Talbot.
Iceman – Describes to scientists, his tribe’s strategy for hunting animals that have attacked their village.
Crosby – Circles his first meeting with David Steckel on the calendar.
Iceman – Exhibits extreme confusion and attempts to destroy the images, when he’s shown TV for the first time.
Crosby – Fast forwards, through the NHL on NBC’s studio show after Mike Milbury calls Shane Doan a pussy
Iceman – Paleontologists flown in to lure him out of his cave with fruits, meat and other delicacies so they can study him to learn about the origins of our species.
Crosby – Worried about getting hit in the head with an errant cup, during the Islanders, nickel beer night.
Iceman – He’s constantly on alert, ever cautious, watching for giant, savage animals on the prowl for food.
Crosby – Coaches remind him that Jordan Staal’s still not familiar with using a towel in the locker room.
Iceman – Theology experts brought in to try and explain why he is praying to a large rock, devoid of emotion, substance and thought.
Crosby – Trainers remind Sid that he moved out of Mario Lemieux’s house a few years ago.
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