Saturday, October 29, 2011

Visors, Pronger and Fun with Find and Replace

If there's anything that I could bring forward from being a fifteen year old boy growing up in the 80's it would have to be my ability to hold up my Catherine Bach poster with one hand and my superhuman recall of all things, Fast Times at Ridegmont High.

To this day, I consider, “What do you do with the jackets people leave here?” to be the best opening line with women, ever.

What’s my point, Arnold?  My point is this, sometimes the things we remember as being totally, totally sweet, like summer break or Phoebe Cates getting out of that pool. Sidenote: I don’t usually go in for the whole “controversial satetments” thing, but I firmly believe that Phoebe Cates in Fast Times, was a mere 1/10 of the hotness of Phoebe Cates in Gremlins. Maybe it’s my Canadian sensibilities, or my erotically themed Farley Mowats “fanfic” but seeing Phoebe Cates in a sweater makes me think Linda Barrett’s breasts are hibernating for the weather.   

OK, back to my point. My point is, that just because it was cool, doesn’t’ mean it’s cool now. Earlier this week, Philadelphia Flyers defenseman and cross dressing enthusiast, Chris Pronger took a stick to his eye in a game against the Maple Leafs.
Luckily, Pronger’s OK,  and will return in 3 to 4 weeks wearing a visor. Pronger’s injury has once again opened the can of worms that is the “should they or shouldn’t they” wear a visor argument among fans and media.

Is the visor a good idea? Yes. Does it protect the eye? Will it prevent all eye injuries? No, but at least it’s better than nothing. Look, I’m not going to throw a bunch of the usual, “what about this..” and “what about that..” arguments at you.

It’s simple. These are grown men whose livelihoods depend on clear vision. If they want to jeopardize it, then it’s up to them. Until the players association and the league decide enough is enough we’ll continue to see guys like Manny Malhotra and Matthias Ohlund, taken off the ice with blood streaming from their eyes.

Instead, I’ll let my favourite scene from, Seinfeld and the magic of find and replace make my *argument for me…


GARY BETTMAN : Yeah, they're in Finland now. They'll be back in a few weeks.

DONALD FEHR: I can't believe he got involved with an actress.

DONALD FEHR: So, what's happening with the Visor policy? You come up with anything?

GARY BETTMAN: No, nothing.

DONALD FEHR: Why don't they have Sturm on the ice?

GARY BETTMAN : What do you need Sturm on the ice for?

DONALD FEHR: Because Sturm is now a Florida Panther and he has potential.

GARY BETTMAN : You know why? Because people like to say "Sturm" "Excuse me, do you like Sturm?" "We need more Sturm" "Where is Sturm? No Sturm?"

DONALD FEHR: You know it must be impossible for an NHL GM to trade for
Sturm and not get Sturm. (Angry) "I wanted Sturm not Chouinard"

GARY BETTMAN : "Don't you know the difference between Sturm and Chouinard???

DONALD FEHR: See, this should be the policy. This is the policy.


DONALD FEHR: This. Just talking.

GARY BETTMAN : (dismissing) Yeah, right.

DONALD FEHR: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

GARY BETTMAN : Just talking? Well what's the visor policy about?

DONALD FEHR: It's about nothing.

GARY BETTMAN : No legislation? No fines? No grandfathering?

DONALD FEHR: No, forget the legislation! Forget the fines.

GARY BETTMAN : You've got to have grandfathering.

DONALD FEHR: Who says you gotta have grandfathering? Remember when Malhotra got hit in the eye? We didn’t do anything then.

GARY BETTMAN : And the visor policy is about nothing?

DONALD FEHR: Absolutely nothing.

GARY BETTMAN : So you're saying, I go in to CBC, to the Board of Governors, the media, and tell them I got this idea for a visor policy and it’s about nothing.

DONALD FEHR: We go into CBC, Board of Governors, the media

GARY BETTMAN : "We"? Since when are you a Commissioner?

DONALD FEHR: (Scoffs) Commissioner. We're talking about the NHL.

GARY BETTMAN : You want to go with me to the Board of Governors?

DONALD FEHR: Yeah. I think we really got something here.

GARY BETTMAN : What do we got?


GARY BETTMAN : What idea?

DONALD FEHR: An idea for the Visor Policy.

GARY BETTMAN : I still don't know what the idea is.

DONALD FEHR: It's about nothing.


DONALD FEHR: The NBA, The NFL, Everybody's doing something, about protecting their players, and we'll do nothing.

GARY BETTMAN : So, we go into the Board of Governors, we tell them we've got an idea for a visor Policy and it’s about nothing.


GARY BETTMAN : They say, "What's your Policy?" I say, "Nothing."

DONALD FEHR: There you go.

(A moment passes)

GARY BETTMAN: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.


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