Saturday, October 29, 2011

Canucks vs Capitals Preview! Now with Machiavelli, Oompa Loompas and My Cousin


I have a kid, which means I’m way more familiar with the insides of a Build-A-Bear then I should be. Wait, that sounds disturbing. I mean, it’s not “windowless van in an Ice Capades parking lot” disturbing, but it’s close enough. OK, let’s try this…
I have a kid, and therefore I am immersed in kid’s activities. So, most days, we’re at figure skating recitals, gymnastics, paint it yourself pottery shops, bounce houses and a whole petri dish of kid’s parties. However, I draw the line at, Chuck E. Cheese.  Have you ever been there? It’s like, Lord of the Lies mixed with the smell of crappy pizza and despair.
What I’m trying to say is, you’re drawn into kid’s activities because, as a parent, that’s just your job. It’s not so bad, there’s usually cake, and it keeps you away from Renaissance Fairs.
Renaissance Fairs? Yep, that’s a thing. From what I gather, once a year, empty pastures on the outskirts of town are transformed into a village from the Middle Ages, and it’s descended upon by men and women dressed in costumes from the period. OK, I get it, I do. You’re worn out from the high pressure job of being all that stands between order and chaos as you enforce the “one sauce, per order of chicken nuggets’ down at the local McDonald’s.
You need a release, you need your sanctuary, and since (I’m guessing) your crawlspace is already jam packed with the bodies of “big shot” carnies who wouldn’t make with the extra caramel, putting on a papier macher codpiece is the next best thing.
Just a quick P.S.A. to the “black knight” as he parades around the fairgrounds: (whisper voice) “Icksnay on the Pending-ay, Application-ay to NAMBLA-ay” 
What’s my point? Well my point is this: People, love to be what they’re not. I’m not going to delve into the Jungian analysis of taking on different personas, so I’ll just leave it at this, the nacho cheese dripping down your “armour” isn’t exactly historically accurate.
Whether it’s dressing up in a costume or eating breakfast for dinner,  switching it up from time to time, can be just the tonic needed to make the day to day grind bearable, or at least a wee bit more interesting. Like, what would happen if Bruce Banner got all stressed out and turned into a very, English, passive aggressive Hulk? “Hulk not happy with warmed goat cheese vinaigrette on micro green salad. Hulk. Hulk will write polite, yet terse letter to manager of Olive Garden, and roll eyes at waitress.”
Anyways, the Capitals have brought their high powered show into town tonight, and the Canucks have to stop them; ether on rags notwithstanding.
Look, I’m not a stats guy. I think stats are the calling card of the blasé and simple minded. Yes, I guess they’re helpful as a tool to measure something against something else, but if they were accurate, all the games would be played out on some super computer in an underground bunker.
I also feel that way about the “Ubiquitous Keys, Breakdown, Toe to Toe etc…. of the Game” type articles written by people who see the same game I do. One hundred percent of the time, they’re chocked full of parroting and outright plagiarism of things they’ve read, seen or heard previously. There are several excellent people at TSN, CBC, Team 1040 and The Province who do this for a living, and they actually have access to the players, management and teams whereas we do not. And, as I have always said: “Talk to the owner of the Circus, not the monkey.”
So, instead why don’t’ we try this… I’m going to spin a huge, Price is Right style showcase showdown wheel and get their breakdown of tonight’s game. I call it…
“Randomonium – Capital vs. Canucks”
Tonight’s round table includes:  Italian Political Philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, my cousin Brenda, who gets all her Canucks info from the comments page on and Dave, the jaded Oompa Loompa who sings the songs, but doesn’t mean it.
“OK, guys…. First Question: Do you start Luongo?
Macchiavelli: “At this point one may note that men must be either pampered or annihilated. They avenge light offenses; they cannot avenge severe ones; hence, the harm one does to a man must be such as to obviate any fear of revenge.”
Brenda: “More like Lu-Wrongo! LOLZ!” Am I right? Am I right?
Me: “Wait, what? What does that mean? Are you saying yes to starting to Luongo or no?
Brenda: “+1”
Me: What?
Brenda: Exactly.
Me: OK, Dave what do you think?
Dave:  Thanks, Steve. First it’s great to be here. I believe it was Foster He…
Me: What do you think you’re doing?
Dave:  I’m answering the question. I think Luongo’s start depends on the ch…
Me: No, I mean, you know, you’re an Oompa Loompa, you know, you come out, you go up and down, you bust out a cute little prophetic rhyme; you know, Oompa Loompa.
Dave: Uhhm, no. that’s not really my thing.
Me: Not your thing? What?  You’re an Oompa Loompa!
Dave: Look, I just don’t do that anymore. I’ve got a lot more going for me.
Me: Like what?
Dave: Well, I’m launching a line of yoga wear for cats; I’m starring in a reimagining of, Waiting for Godot and…
Me: OK, I get it… Let’s just move on.
Me: OK, So it’s no secret the Canuck’s have been off to a slow start this season. How important is it to get the first goal tonight against a powerhouse like the Capitals? Niccolo…
Macchiavelli: “It ought to be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.”
Me: What? What does that even mean?
Dave: Steve, if I may.  I believe Niccolo…
Me: Shut it, Dave!  All I want to know is how important is it to score the first freaking goal. Brenda?
Brenda: (Holds up paper with a cat dressed as Darth Vader on it).
Me: OK, you know what forget it. All I wanted was to get some people with divergent viewpoints together to talk hockey and instead I get you guys. 
Dave: Steve, I think I’ve got a little song for you.”
Me: Perfect! Now you have a song! Well, sing it!
Dave: “Oompa Loompa doompadee doo, I’ve got a little puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa Wickity wick, why are you being such a di….
Me: Hey!! OK, forget it. We’ll pick this up next time.

Follow me on twitter @steveinthekt Next time, I use the novels of Judy Blume to explain why the Canucks aren’t developing enough young talent.  

No comments:

Post a Comment