Saturday, October 29, 2011

Planking Schmanking! Who's up for Alain Vigneault-ing

You know that uncomfortable game you play when you’re thrust into an awkward situation, like meeting your future in laws or playing prison rules CLUE. (It’s always the sharpened toothbrush in the shower)

You know the one where you tell a stranger something innocuously embarrassing about yourself like, “I wasn’t paying attention today and I put on a black sock and a navy blue sock.” It’s harmless, right?  Well, what happens when that person takes your small admission of something uncomfortable and sees that as the opening they’ve been looking for to unburden themselves of some darker secret? “Oh, I know what you mean, I’ve been stalking Cher for years.

How do you come back to that?  Well, in my incredibly English family we handle all uncomfortable situations the same way. We put out baked goods and change the subject to the weather. This explains our rather, “hard cheese” demeanor and love of mincemeat.

What’s my point, Sally? My point is this. It’s all about the little things.

Whether it's my Dad's annual "angry letter campaign" to the makers of Hunt's Ketchup or my Mom's passive aggressive hinting about what she's getting you for Christmas:

Mom: "Stephen, I saw your 8th grade math teacher, Mr. Parsons at The Bay and he was wearing the sharpest silk shirt."

Me: "Mom, I don't want a silk shirt."

Mom: "Stephen, you're not getting one, but a silk shirt would be such an addition to your collection of ratty T-Shirts. Good Lord, you look like a wayward roadie on most occasions. Did you know Janis' daughter just..."

Me: "Mom, you're losing focus."

Mom: "All I'm saying is that a silk shirt is very smart and all the kids are wearing..."

Me: "Mom, I'm 40."

Mom: "Well, you should stop buying all your clothes from GAP and ..."

Me: "Mom, it's, The Gap, and I don’t.”

Mom: "Regardless, Stephen, their clothes make you look like you're on a Leper's Island."

So, that's how that goes.

Add that “therapist’s wet dream” to our already disturbing ritual of busting out the “Elf on the Shelf” and you’ve got an Easton Ellis novel with less coke and more eggnog. The idea of a tiny person who sneaks in and out of your house every night is both disturbing and, I believe the origin for most of the predator and stalking laws in 48 of the 50 States. I've written my Congressman to see if, Meaghan's Law applies to ceramic figurines.

Anyways, the law of hipster idiocy started with planking, went to owling and right on to Tebowing. Well, the NHL is ready to follow suit…

“MacLean-ing” – Hands folded regally on table, neck turned at a 90 degree angle and a dead eyed “Hinckleyesque” gaze makes this the preferred fad of Kevin Spacey cosplay enthusiasts.

“Kessel-ing” – Hands tucked disturbingly in lap. Reclining at an angle that says, “…I’m seat filling at the daytime Emmys.” This trend is perfect for anyone who loves the feeling of pleather under them and a penchant for turquoise jewelry.

“Crosby-ing” – Your head is facing downward with your eyes closed. Down on all fours, hands out in front of you like you’re a, “muslicorn” (muslim unicorn). This is very in vogue for people who like the idea of praying, but they’re unsure whether the Hamburglar is the kind of new age deity that needs that kind of validation.

“Vigneault-ing”- Standing completely straight, smiling wryly with your arms loosely folded like a jaded Muppet, your head is cocked at an angle that says, “Sure, I know the Washington Generals are against it tonight, but I’ve got a really good feeling. People who love Vigneault-ing are naturally suspicious. Even after presented with all the consumer reports and financial data, they won’t buy their adverbs anywhere but at Lolly’s.

“Subban-ing” – Perhaps the toughest NHL trend to duplicate; mostly because it’s never done the same way twice. One time you can be on one foot with your arms akimbo and head tilted skyward like. The next time, you can be down on your knees, both arms over your head, Pia Zadora style and your neck turned at a ninety degree angle like a hipster demon who will only possesses people ironically. This trend is great for people who march to a different drummer. People who rarely take no for an answer; so, it could be Mark David Chapman or the pinball machine in, The Accused.

1 comment:

  1. In the past 5 or 6 years I've referenced the Schoolhouse Rock adverbs cartoon 3 or 4 times to blank stares of confusion. I love to know I am not alone in the universe.