Sunday, October 30, 2011

An NHL Primer for Distressed NBA Fans! (No Neck Tattoos here!)

I’m a fan of the modern age. I love that Google has made the reference section at the Library, a dusty remnant of times past. (Although, the idea of packs of feral, naughty librarians roaming the streets breathily whispering parts of the Dewey Decimal system into your ear is kind of nice).
But when it comes to being a man, I’m old school. Like any man who’s made the plunge and gotten married, your continued chances of wanton nudity (..hers not yours. My pants are off before the garage door closes) depends on compromise (and scrubbing your balls). Therefore, it’s an inevitability that you’re going to end up on an adult play date with her and her friends at an apple orchard, cheese tasting, scrabble party or any other event devised to really test your limits..
Cheese tasting? Really? Look, I’m just going to say it. I’m a “cheese-ist.” My cheese either comes individually wrapped in “Singles” form or following words like “Macaroni and..” or “…stuffed crust.” 
The idea of a bunch of dudes milling around a ripe brie en croute is essentially torture. I’m almost positive that if a remake of “Marathon Man” were coming down the pike (…who am I kidding? Who wouldn’t want to drill Hugh Jackman’s dingo baby eating teeth) it would take place in a fromagerie with Hitler’s cheese monger wanting to know: “Is it sharp?”
But once again, nudity levels the playing field and you’re stuck listening to some guy ramble on about sheep’s milk Gouda and weepy Havarti. I don’t even want to look the other guys in the eye; it’s too uncomfortable.
It’s like when you’re coming out of the Barnes and Noble bathroom with a look of relief and a “Girls of Japanese Anime” coffee table book and you see a guy from your office.
Anyways, the NHL could get a solid bump from all the NBA strike fuss. Here’s a primer to NBA fans looking to make the plunge and sound like they know what they’re talking about. You’ll notice the absence of neck tattoos and shark tanks.
·         Right - Mentioning Roberto Luongo’s unprotected five hole, and you’ll seem like a guy who may knows something about breaking down goalie play.
·         Wrong – Mentioning Roberto Luongo’s unprotected glory hole, and you’ll only pique the interest of your cousin, who hopes this has something to do with Olive Garden restrooms and his bi-curious leanings.

·         Right – “Flashing the leather” is a way to say a goalie has a quick glove hand.
·         Wrong – Flashing the Leather” has nothing to do with the failed Happy Days spinoff: “Milwaukee: CSI”

·         Right – A player exceeding his usual level of play is said to be: “…putting on a clinic.”
·         Wrong – This isn’t the time to bring up your Thai hooker and her limited understanding of the rhythm method.

·         Right – Referring to a player or coach by his nickname shows that you have a solid understanding of the game. E.g. Matt Cooke = Cookie.
·         Wrong – Referring to a player or coach by the mythical character they resemble shows you really should have just stayed over by the spinach dip. E.g. Barry Trotz = Hobbit.

·         Right – Demonstrating the various hand signals for each penalty call shows an affinity for the more detailed parts of the game.
·         Wrong – Adding a Stephen Sondheim score is probably a bit much.

·         Right – When pushed into a corner, it’s best to just say: “I think they’ll just take it one day at a time...”
·         Wrong – Do NOT follow up on your comment by talking about your bizarre Bonnie Franklin / Schneider fantasy.

·         Right - Someone will invariably bring up Gretzky and say: “…he’s a God in Canada.” Just chuckle and nod accordingly.
·         Wrong – Now is not the time to bring up all the ritual killings you’ve made in his name.

·         Right – The “Neutral Zone” is the area between the two blue lines. The Neutral Zone trap is a defensive system designed to prevent solid breakouts by the offensive team.
·         Wrong – This has nothing to do with the time Charlie had you pinned down with sniper fire and you saw your best friend blown to bits. So, put down the fondu fork and let the caterer go.

·         Right – It is customary for players to forego shaving in the playoffs. This playoff superstition is known as a: “Playoff beard.”
·         Wrong – Just bite down hard on your lip & take another swig of your bourbon before you chime in with your rec. league pre-game tradition of paying a hooker to pretend she’s an “Ambie” (Amish Zombie).

·         Right – The Stanley Cup can be referred to as Lord Stanley’s Cup,  The Silver Chalice and “The Mug”
Wrong – No one else has heard it, so hold back and refrain from calling it, “Hull’s Urinal

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