- No eye contact or talking in the bathroom. I know what you did in there. You know what I did in there. No need for an Anderson Cooper moderated discussion about it.
- If you haven’t seen The Godfather, I want nothing to do with you. Seriously, I have changed Godparents to my daughter, because my wife’s friend’s husband kept pronouncing it Lou Cabrazzi instead of Luca Brasi.
Anyways, we’re all looking to believe in something, right? We’re all looking to be grouped together and put under the same umbrella, aren’t we? Well, hockey fans, lovers of astrology, and collectors of ceramic kitties, why not let a Hockey Night in Canada Totem be your guide….
Who is your Hockey Night in Canada Spirit Guide?
PJ Stock – The Chatty Peacock
You are generally an upbeat person, but you wish Gus Johnson would stop going through the motions, or that Brian Wilson would do something to stand out from the crowd. The Chatty Peacock is also very spontaneous and rolls well with the punches. Sometimes, you’ll style your hair into something called the “seductive hedgehog” or you’ll use it to nurse a family of abandoned baby woodpeckers back to health.
Your excitement and enthusiasm can sometimes be mistaken as twitchy or high strung. Pay no attention to the naysayers. Sure, PETA has you listed as the number one reason high functioning border collies paint their nails black and cut themselves, but you can’t please everyone. Just remember, things could always be worse. You could be Liam McHugh.
People born under this sign are creative, zealous and wise-ish. You lead a hectic, always on the go lifestyle. You’ve barely got time to argue all your slander lawsuits down to simple defamation of character. Whether it’s the spring in your step or the rosy red colour of your cheeks, you’re the picture of health. Sure, you’re often mistaken for, B.F. Pinkerton in the CBC staging of Madame Butterfly but it’s totally worth that pinkish hue.
Friends know that they can depend on you, unless you’re negotiating for a new contract with a Crown Corporation. And people always comment upon your loyalty. That is why you’ve decided to have Ron McLean stuffed and mounted for your game room when the time comes.
That’s not to say you’re without flaws. You can be stubborn at times, and unwilling to embrace change. But with good reason, I mean, what can a few CAT scans and suicides prove anyways? However, you’re never too proud to admit when you’re wrong and presented with the truth and or subpoena.
People will always be drawn to you. You often overpower every other personality in the room; sometimes with wit, but more often than not with jackets made from the curtains at a French brothel.
And on occasion you may be prone to fits of melancholia and delusions of grandeur, or as it’s called in the medical community: “Saturday Night after the First period.”
People born under this sign are gregarious, intelligent and proud. You never go more than 5 minutes without reminding people you had something to do with drafting Chris Pronger or your possibly being the inspiration for "The Monopoly Guy."
You’re impulsive, but willing to listen, unless you have something to say which has nothing to do with the current conversation. Why shouldn’t you interrupt this ridiculous “diagnosis” of your Uncle’s heart condition with something super important, like why Chara plays with a long stick.
You’re a stickler for the old ways, the traditions upon which our culture is built. That’s why you make it your goal in life to call everyone by their full name. Who cares if that’s not their real name? I mean, how else will people know that you and Robert Gordon Orr once made eye contact while waiting in line for a urinal at a Tim Horton’s in Moose Factory, Quebec?
Sadly, the Proud Tortoise is not with faults. Your attention to detail and repetition of tasks can lead to bizarre sexual disorders. This can lead to things like making your wife call you a “Monster” in the bedroom or unable to achieve arousal unless you’re sandwiched between two pieces of plexiglass with a wireless microphone and Marty Turco mocking you in the background.
People born under this sign are logical, shrewd business men and ruled by rational thought. Unfortunately, it’s like a Pop-O-Matic bubble if you reside in the Greater Long Island Area. You’ll always be known for your work ethic and tenacity. You don’t care how long it takes to plagiarize last night’s Coach’s Corner for the American audience you’re going to get it done.
Follow me on twitter @steveintheKT I’ve got to get going. I’m on a short list to see Roberto Luongo’s new mask. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s painted to look like Corey Schneider.