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Let’s just get right to it, shall we? I’m going to start this post like we’re old friends, OK, not exactly “old friends”, because let’s face it, if we were old friends, you’d be at my house right now hiding all the jewelry from wayward drifters I’ve collected over the years, before the police got there.
Wait, that didn’t come out right. “Wayward drifters” kind of makes me seem creepy; not so much, like “bidding online for Japanese schoolgirl’s underwear creepy”, but more like “eating in the bathroom” creepy. No that’s not going to cut it either. Let’s just do this…
You know that thing in movies, where there are no opening credits, and it just starts with a car chase, wanton nudity or two Asian guys running at each other with guns in both hands a blazin’? Those are always good, right? OK, much better! Let’s begin…
Anyways, here are three people that have really hard jobs:
1. Carl, the COBRA commando from Sector 5H who has to constantly explain to, Serpentor that COBRA HQ was blown up by guys codenamed, Snow Job, Barbecue and Gung Ho. Seriously? Gung Ho? The guy’s wearing a denim vest with no shirt and Capri pants! Sidenote: Gay Bar or GI Joe Character is an awesome drinking game.
2. Stephen Hawking. Sure, you’ve figured out the origins of the universe, possibly discovered time travel, and even used a complex equation to explain the appeal of Angelina Jolie, but you’re always going to be the third most popular guy with a voice synthesizer behind, T-Pain and that Cylon who thinks he’s a gunfighter from Battlestar Galactica.
3. Mike Gillis.
What’s my point? Well, Milhouse, my point is this: Since Mike Gillis has taken on the task of Canuck’s GM, he’s done a very respectable job of building a Stanley Cup contender through shrewd trading and successful dips into the free agent pool.
I’m not saying he (Gillis) has a perfect record. I mean, I’m convinced there’s some weird Blue Velvet-esque video of Gillis with a nitrous tank and an erotic baker with questionable morality that Mats Sundin has access to, but overall, he’s been a whole lot more Sonny Corleone, and a whole lot less Fredo Corleone.
But have you ever wondered how Mike Gillis stacks up against another wheeler dealer with an advanced degree in hucksterism? Of course, you do. So, let’s go to the tale of the tape between Mike Gillis and Mike Damone from, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Gillis: Realizes he’s made a mistake, releases Peter Schaeffer.
Damone: Realizes he’s made a mistake, still won’t pay for Stacey’s abortion.
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Signed Mats Sundin to a ridiculous 8.6 million dollar contract
Damone: Took a bath on Blue Oyster Cult tickets two months ago. (“Where were you?)
Edge: Damone
Gillis: Uses a complicated mathematical formula based on the tenets of “Moneyball.”
Damone: Uses a five point plan to guarantee success with any woman. “…Led Zeppelin IV”
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Plays a dangerous game with the salary cap by signing Luongo to a long term contract.
Damone: Plays a dangerous game with Jefferson by putting off those Earth Wind and Fire tickets.
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Signs David Backes to an offer sheet; screws over the St. Louis Blues.
Damone: Screwed over Ratner by having sex with Stacey in her poolhouse.
Edge: Damone
Gillis: Takes offense to an unsigned editorial in a local paper calling for Luongo’s trade.
Damone: Takes offense to an unsigned “Prick” spray painted on his Gremlin.
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Scours the waiver wire and European leagues every morning looking for possible players.
Damone: Puts the vibe out to 30 million women. Of course, something is going to happen.
Edge: Damone
Gillis: Can’t believe Brian Burke and Ron Wilson don’t understand the NHL’s tampering rules.
Damone: Can’t believe people have forgotten the magnetism of Robin Zander or the charisma of Rick Nielsen.
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Last year’s loss in the Stanley Cup Final had some fans calling for Gillis to be fired.
Damone: Got busted for scalping Ozzy Ozbourne tickets. Now works at a 7-11.
Edge: Gillis
Gillis: Tie always undone and shirt somewhat disheveled shows Gillis’ frustration.
Damone: Wraps his piano key scarf around his neck in a jaunty manner when things go awry.
Edge: Damone
Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT. I’ll always show up at Old Heidelberg with your wallet; just call me.
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