Friday, October 21, 2011

Trade Luongo! Trade Luongo! The New Phonebooks are Here! I mean, Trade Luongo!

Open the Pod Bay Doors

Today, I’m going to give you all a little peek behind the curtain that is my life. OK, that sounds a little too, “Gordon Jump as the bike shop owner in that very special episode of Different Strokes like.  Let’s try this again. Today, I’m going to tell you something about me; you know, what makes me tick. OK, that sounds better.
So, the person I see the majority of my movies with likes to lean over during the most “laser-iest” or “ninja-est”  scenes and whisper in my ear, like Bjork with a mouthful of honey and her hair combed, "...that is so fake." 
Now, I like seeing her in various stages of undress and want to continue to see her in various stages of undress, so I just nod and sleep in the figurative wet spot that is my movie going life. Hey, I know it’s fake. I know there’s no possible way a grown man can wield a power ring, or fly, but you know what? For two hours, with a box of, Junior Mints (Stop reading if you’re one of those chocolate covered peanut/raisins people.) in my hand, in the dark, all my dreams become realized.

And isn’t that what we want? Don't we want fantastical and amazing? Would you even have watched "Star Wars" if it was just two hours of Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin trying to assemble the Death Star using allen wrenches and those messed up directions from IKEA?   Would James Bond be even remotely interesting if he spent the majority of the movie strewn across the naked body of some lithe super model/assassin arguing with HR about an overdue expense report?

Anyways, from time to time, we’re forced to look inward and reexamine our lives. Sometimes, it’s painful, and sometimes it’s revelatory. Either way, you have to ask yourself the tough questions. Here are some of mine…
1.      I’m willing to believe that Sigourney Weaver’s character is being haunted by malevolent forces in, Ghostbusters, but why does a single woman, who lives alone, buy such a large bag of marshmallows?

2.       Who was Boo Berry when he was alive? 

3.      Is King Friday a benevolent dictator? Why does a friendly neighbourhood need a king? What was the deal with Lady Elaine Fairchilde? You’d think with a Boomerang-Toomerang-Zoomerang there would be more talk of a bloody coup d’état.
What’s my point? Well, Milhouse, my point is this? Everyone needs perspective from time to time. We need to step back and look at things with a fresh set of eyes, and we have to accept the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Anyways, Roberto Luongo got a win last night against the Nashville Predators. He didn’t have to do much, but that’s not the real story. Luongo has been taking a Clockwork Orange-ish style beating early in the season from the media and fans, because of yet another slow start.
And it only got worse yesterday, when an idea was floated online by one of the local papers to trade Luongo for the equally compensated, equally underachieving, Vincent LeCavalier. Had the trade idea been made by a cat playing the piano the internet would have exploded.
Well, first off, the money doesn’t really make sense. Roberto Luongo is in the first year of a 12 year $64 million dollar deal with a cap hit of $5.33 million. Vincent Lecavalier is in the third year of an 11 year, $85 million dollar deal with a cap hit of $7.27 million. Also, both players have no movement clauses.
Secondly, the Canucks are in need of a second line playmaker/sniper, but is Lecavalier the answer? His troubles with coaches, his oft apathetic playing style, his Fruitpie the Magician way of disappearing for large parts of the season won’t exactly endear himself to the knowledgeable, analytical fans here. As a matter of fact, Lecavalier sounds a lot like Luongo.
I think a trade for some second line help is inevitable. Will it involve Luongo? No. But that’s my opinion. Keep in mind I also had really high hopes for Gwen Stefani’s solo career.
Look, I don’t’ know if moving Luongo is the right thing to do, but I do know that fans in Vancouver will never be happy until we win the Stanley Cup, and whether he likes it or not, the fans have put that all on the shoulders of Luongo.  He’s in the prototypical, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Win and he’s doing what he’s paid to do. He’s being paid to stop the puck. Lose, and he can’t win the big game, he’s not a goalie to take the Canucks over the hump.
This argument could go on for months. The truth is no one really knows, but Mike Gillis. That’s
why, in the true journalistic spirit of Woodward and Bernstein, I’ve brought in an expert to sort
through all the noise and  give us an objective, academic point of view.

Don’t ask me how,  but I’ve managed to secure an interview with, Siri, the new digital personal
assistant (…and possible love child of Ask Jeeves) found on the new Apple iPhone 4S.  It turns
out she’s a huge student of the game, and has some unique insight on the Luongo situation.

Me: “Siri, it’s nice to have you here. Thank you for doing this.”

Siri: “What can I help you with?”

Me: “I had no idea you were such a large hockey fan. Where does that come from?”

Siri: “Did you mean to say Football?”

Me: “No, I said hockey. Where does your love of hockey come from?”

Siri: “I am incapable of love. I am a machine”

Me: “Wow, this must be Gary Bettman’s phone?”

Siri: “OK, I am unsure of your last command. Did you want to see Batman?”

Me: “I was just joking…”

Siri: “My operating system is unable to comprehend humour. See: Cooke, Dane”

Me: “OK, Siri, let’s get back on track.”

Siri: “Track, track and field, track marks,  Iggy Pop”

Me: No, I meant back on track, like let’s stick to the topic.”

Siri: “How can I help?”

Me: “Siri, what do you think about Roberto Luongo being traded for Vincent Lecavalier?”

Siri: “56”

Me: “56?”

Siri: “Run Line Error 0101010101010101010101010101010101010”

Me: “Uhmmm, Siri? Are you OK?”

Siri: “Linebreak error 4356. Do you want to find a Thai restaurant? Thai prostitute?

Me: “No, I want to know if Luongo should be traded for Lecavalier:”

Siri: “The cow says Moo. The cow says Moo”

Me: Man, this is how it must be to trade with Mike Milbury.”

Siri: “Milbury, Mike. Fleeced, Magic beans, worst trades in NHL History, Chara.

Me: Siri, No I mean what about Luongo, Siri? Should he be traded?

I’m not going to lie, the interview didn’t get better.  Something weird happened and Siri, became self aware and went all Johnny 5 on me. Before I knew it, she was travelling back in time to save the Cleveland Barons.

Follow me on twitter @steveintheKT.  (If my twitter account becomes self aware you better just say a small prayer for humanity and go to be with your family.  

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