Saturday, October 29, 2011

"I Got a Rock. A Good Canadian Rock, Right There... 'atta Boy!

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with
  people: Head shots, Europeans and the Great Pumpkin.
Sometimes, I’m just itching for a fight. I’m usually a pretty laid back guy, I mean, I’m willing to accept that Encyclopedia Brown won’t get made into a movie and that my idea to hunt Australians for food probably won’t gain a lot of support.

Sidenote. What is it with Australians? Are they not satisfied with being the Harlem Globetrotters (You can talk amongst yourselves about who the Washington Generals are. ) of Genetic lotteries? Do they have to be so upbeat and chipper all the time? I’m not even sure Australians are real. They’re a myth, like unicorns or underwear models with loose morals. Whenever I hear an Austrlian accent, all I want to do is shush them up with my fingers to their lips in a very Kathleen Turner, Body Heat kind of way and get them to say, “A dingo ate my baby” or “A shrimp on the barby" or something.

And you can try to convince me all you want that man is the smartest animal on the planet, and you can argue about his intellect and his limitless capacity for knowledge all you want but I will always end up victorious in the end. Why? Four little words... "I'll have the Filet-O-Fish. "

What’s my point? My point is this, Sherman, it’s Halloween, so keep your crappy taffy and sunflower seeds to yourself and make with the mini Aero’s and Kit-Kats.

Anyways, here’s some horror movie rewrites I submitted to the NHL Head Office to boost exposure on Halloween.

Gremlins – An old Asian man warns the crew on the NBC set that if you feed Liam McHugh after midnight, you’ll wind up with PJ Stock!
Hostel – Jaded millionaires looking for a thrill pay deranged kidnappers for the right to torture innocent students strapped to chairs with Columbus Blue Jacket game film. Warning: You’ll scream in terror when RJ Umberger plays the point on the power play!
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Garth Snow – In this whimsical classic, Garth and his friends go trick or treating at the NHL entry draft. After every round, you can hear the excited cries of:  “I got an Ovechkin!”  “I got a Crosby!” Except for the perpetually melancholic Garth who concedes, “I got an Okposo.”
Poltergeist – Strange events start to plague the New York Islanders, when they’re bought by Chinese industrialist, Charles Wang. Crowds mysteriously disappear, the goal horn remains spookily silent, and players suddenly vanish from the dressing room, replaced by ghostly shadows that the opposition skates right through. It’s only later that we learn Wang had the stadium built on an Indian graveyard. Actually, more specifically, under Rick DiPietro’s crease.
The Exorcist – A defrocked Catholic priest is kept on the NHL payroll to expel the demons preventing people from attending games in Dallas, Columbus and Phoenix. Yeah, demons.
Twilight – Thousands of goth girls (…and Erik Francis) all over Vancouver, take time away from cutting Sylvia Plath verses into their forearms to their, “Team Roberto” or “Team Corey” T-Shirts.  Schneider is quick to ask Kesler to stand in for him during those brooding, shirtless photo shoots.
The Werewolf – After being bitten by Alex Burrow in a scrum during the playoffs, Mark Recchi turns into a fur covered lycanthrope during a full moon at camp Bruins management quickly wants to know who the idiot was that offered Dave Babych a tryout spot.
The Human Centipede – Having seen the almost telepathic connection that Henrik and Daniel Sedin have with Alex Burrows on the ice a mentally unhinged surgeon takes it one step further and surgically connects Joe Thronton, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley together. Not surprisingly, he only needs one heart.
Saw – Mike Milbury, Mike Keenan and Dale Tallon are locked in a room without doors or windows. They have 24 hours to construct a well reasoned and thought out trade that makes long term fiscal sense, or else they will die a slow, tortuous death. The movie lasts exactly 30 blood filled seconds.
The Invisible Man – Ooops, stupid Netflix sent me the wrong, Invisible Man. This is the documentary about Mike Green in the playoffs. Burn!

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