My Dinner-ish with Bruce Arthur

"Inconceivable.... Oh wait, wrong movie."

I recently sat down over dinner (OK, full disclosure, by "dinner" I mean, I ate a bowl of Count Chocula over the sink while I typed this. No idea what Bruce was eating while he typed. I like to think he's a Weetabix, skim milk guy.) with National Post columnist, Bruce Arthur. Bruce is also a regular on The Reporters on TSN, TSN Radio co-host Mondays from 4-7, and he does it all while making smart assed comments on Twitter.

I'd like to think that even though we emailed our questions and answers back and forth, had we actually sat down, it would have unfolded like, My Dinner with Andre without the Gymnopédie No. 1 and turtlenecks. And yes, I called dibs on the Walace Shawn role....

Me: By now, we’re all aware of Canuck's General Manager, Mike Gillis’ very public taking of exception to an editorial written in, The Province calling to trade Roberto Luongo for Vincent LeCavalier.  His (Gillis) main concern was about the lack of accountability taken by the newspaper in not signing the editorial.   What’s your definition of accountability? Was Gillis right, does the media owe a sense of accountability to the Canucks outside of being factual and fair in their assessments? When do you think the media steps over that line?

Bruce: “No offence to Mike Gillis, but he doesn't seem to understand what an editorial is. It's the voice of the paper, presided over by the editorial board, and the editor-in-chief is responsible for it. You don't like it? Call Wayne Moriarty. It's not graffiti on a bathroom wall, or a Twitter account with an egg for an avatar. I think the editorial in question was a little silly, but papers write editorials about silly stuff all the time. Gillis should know by now that this country doesn't have a lot of perspective when it comes to hockey, especially when a team carries expectations around with it. As for going over the line, this wasn't a personal attack, or factually incorrect, or unfair. Just goofy, and it got the whole city talking. Of course, so would portraying Luongo as Dan Cloutier in a photoillustration, but let's hope they don't go there. THAT would be over the line.”

Me:   Let’s turn it around. The Canucks have been the only show in town for so long, and occupy so much of the city’s cultural landscape; what kind of accountability needs to be shown by the Canuck's organization to the fans and media?  Do they need to show any at all outside of winning?

Bruce: “Good question. I'm of the increasingly anachronistic opinion that the team should avoid using its own media over traditional media, which is part self-interest and part a dislike of the kind of state media you get in sports. They have a responsibility to fans, certainly, beyond just winning; I think the recent moves towards depression awareness, and a call for fan civility following the riot, were both part of being a good corporate citizen. They're a part of the fabric of the city, and should remain engaged in it. And of course they should, like every Canadian team charging mind-bogglingly high prices for everything, win.”

Me:. It’s often been said that Vancouver is not a sports town, but it is a Canucks town. Fair assessment? Does that make Vancouver any different than Green Bay or any other city where, “…there can be only one”?  Is it this almost “hive like” mentality or the fact that the Canucks were so lower to the bottom for so long that causes eventual powder kegs like riots and figurative goalie lynchings?

Bruce: “I'd agree with that. It's different from Green Bay because Vancouver's so much bigger; but then, people forget that the Grizzlies drew decent crowds until they started to drive them away. Vancouver, to me, feels a lot like Toronto - the hockey team dominates, and everything else scraps for the rest. There just isn't as much everything else. But hey, YOU try paying for a Vancouver home and then buying tickets to anything else ever.”

Me: Let’s switch gears a bit. You wrote an article about Don Cherry, his apology and how Canada would miss him when he’s gone.  Love him or hate him, we can’t ever deny his imprint on Canada’s culture. What is it that makes him so popular? Who do you think could ever replace Cherry, or do you think once he’s gone it will officially be the end of "blustery, tell it like it is..." media personalities on Hockey Night in Canada.

Bruce:  “Short version: He cannot be replicated. If they plug Mike Milbury into that spot and rename it he'll be a shadow, a pale imitation, an incredible downgrade. Cherry's force of personality is phenomenal; find me another person in the country who stops conversations — and starts them — the way he does. I don't know how they replace him; I've wondered, and it's just hard to imagine. And that's what I mean when I wrote that we would miss him. Hockey Night in Canada has lost or could lose almost anything — the theme, Dick Irvin, Dave Hodge, the Hot Stove, Bob Cole, even Ron MacLean, you name it — and it wouldn't change the tenor of the program as much as removing Cherry”.

Me: You're a great follow on Twitter. During the Stanley Cup final we talked about the Canuck's futility and parents approaching an age where they may not see a championship in their time. Do you ever wake up, your flying V pajamas soaked through, with the thought, "...that could be me."? Do you have a failsafe at the Arthur compound? Cryogenics, brain in a jar, etc... ?

Bruce: “The 1994 final was the most alive I ever felt as a sports fan, but I actually checked in my Canucks fandom several years ago — partly it was being in a business that discourages the notion both overtly and otherwise; partly it was the way my friends defended Todd Bertuzzi on Steve Moore. I still have friends and family who are Canucks fans, and best of luck to them. But I'm a fan of the past, not the present. For those who believe they could go a lifetime without seeing a Stanley Cup, well, look at it this way. The most alive I ever felt as a sports fan was when my team lost on the biggest stage, in heartbreaking fashion. Enjoy what you have. Hell, you're paying enough for it.”

Trade Luongo! Trade Luongo! The New Phonebooks are Here! I mean, Trade Luongo!



Open the Pod Bay Doors



Today, I’m going to give you all a little peek behind the curtain that is my life. OK, that sounds a little too, “Gordon Jump as the bike shop owner in that very special episode of Different Strokes like.  Let’s try this again. Today, I’m going to tell you something about me; you know, what makes me tick. OK, that sounds better.

So, the person I see the majority of my movies with likes to lean over during the most “laser-iest” or “ninja-est”  scenes and whisper in my ear, like Bjork with a mouthful of honey and her hair combed, "...that is so fake." 

Now, I like seeing her in various stages of undress and want to continue to see her in various stages of undress, so I just nod and sleep in the figurative wet spot that is my movie going life. Hey, I know it’s fake. I know there’s no possible way a grown man can wield a power ring, or fly, but you know what? For two hours, with a box of, Junior Mints (Stop reading if you’re one of those chocolate covered peanut/raisins people.) in my hand, in the dark, all my dreams become realized.

And isn’t that what we want? Don't we want fantastical and amazing? Would you even have watched "Star Wars" if it was just two hours of Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin trying to assemble the Death Star using allen wrenches and those messed up directions from IKEA?   Would James Bond be even remotely interesting if he spent the majority of the movie strewn across the naked body of some lithe super model/assassin arguing with HR about an overdue expense report?

 

Anyways, from time to time, we’re forced to look inward and reexamine our lives. Sometimes, it’s painful, and sometimes it’s revelatory. Either way, you have to ask yourself the tough questions. Here are some of mine…

1.      I’m willing to believe that Sigourney Weaver’s character is being haunted by malevolent forces in, Ghostbusters, but why does a single woman, who lives alone, buy such a large bag of marshmallows?

2.       Who was Boo Berry when he was alive? 

3.      Is King Friday a benevolent dictator? Why does a friendly neighbourhood need a king? What was the deal with Lady Elaine Fairchilde? You’d think with a Boomerang-Toomerang-Zoomerang there would be more talk of a bloody coup d’état.

What’s my point? Well, Milhouse, my point is this? Everyone needs perspective from time to time. We need to step back and look at things with a fresh set of eyes, and we have to accept the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Anyways, Roberto Luongo got a win last night against the Nashville Predators. He didn’t have to do much, but that’s not the real story. Luongo has been taking a Clockwork Orange-ish style beating early in the season from the media and fans, because of yet another slow start.

And it only got worse yesterday, when an idea was floated online by one of the local papers to trade Luongo for the equally compensated, equally underachieving, Vincent LeCavalier. Had the trade idea been made by a cat playing the piano the internet would have exploded.

Well, first off, the money doesn’t really make sense. Roberto Luongo is in the first year of a 12 year $64 million dollar deal with a cap hit of $5.33 million. Vincent Lecavalier is in the third year of an 11 year, $85 million dollar deal with a cap hit of $7.27 million. Also, both players have no movement clauses.

Secondly, the Canucks are in need of a second line playmaker/sniper, but is Lecavalier the answer? His troubles with coaches, his oft apathetic playing style, his Fruitpie the Magician way of disappearing for large parts of the season won’t exactly endear himself to the knowledgeable, analytical fans here. As a matter of fact, Lecavalier sounds a lot like Luongo.

I think a trade for some second line help is inevitable. Will it involve Luongo? No. But that’s my opinion. Keep in mind I also had really high hopes for Gwen Stefani’s solo career.

Look, I don’t’ know if moving Luongo is the right thing to do, but I do know that fans in Vancouver will never be happy until we win the Stanley Cup, and whether he likes it or not, the fans have put that all on the shoulders of Luongo.  He’s in the prototypical, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Win and he’s doing what he’s paid to do. He’s being paid to stop the puck. Lose, and he can’t win the big game, he’s not a goalie to take the Canucks over the hump.

This argument could go on for months. The truth is no one really knows, but Mike Gillis. That’s

why, in the true journalistic spirit of Woodward and Bernstein, I’ve brought in an expert to sort

through all the noise and  give us an objective, academic point of view.

Don’t ask me how,  but I’ve managed to secure an interview with, Siri, the new digital personal

assistant (…and possible love child of Ask Jeeves) found on the new Apple iPhone 4S.  It turns

out she’s a huge student of the game, and has some unique insight on the Luongo situation.

Me: “Siri, it’s nice to have you here. Thank you for doing this.”

Siri: “What can I help you with?”

Me: “I had no idea you were such a large hockey fan. Where does that come from?”

Siri: “Did you mean to say Football?”

Me: “No, I said hockey. Where does your love of hockey come from?”

Siri: “I am incapable of love. I am a machine”

Me: “Wow, this must be Gary Bettman’s phone?”

Siri: “OK, I am unsure of your last command. Did you want to see Batman?”

Me: “I was just joking…”

Siri: “My operating system is unable to comprehend humour. See: Cooke, Dane”

Me: “OK, Siri, let’s get back on track.”

Siri: “Track, track and field, track marks,  Iggy Pop”

Me: No, I meant back on track, like let’s stick to the topic.”

Siri: “How can I help?”

Me: “Siri, what do you think about Roberto Luongo being traded for Vincent Lecavalier?”

Siri: “56”

Me: “56?”

Siri: “Run Line Error 0101010101010101010101010101010101010”

Me: “Uhmmm, Siri? Are you OK?”

Siri: “Linebreak error 4356. Do you want to find a Thai restaurant? Thai prostitute?

Me: “No, I want to know if Luongo should be traded for Lecavalier:”

Siri: “The cow says Moo. The cow says Moo”

Me: Man, this is how it must be to trade with Mike Milbury.”

Siri: “Milbury, Mike. Fleeced, Magic beans, worst trades in NHL History, Chara.

Me: Siri, No I mean what about Luongo, Siri? Should he be traded?

I’m not going to lie, the interview didn’t get better.  Something weird happened and Siri, became self aware and went all Johnny 5 on me. Before I knew it, she was travelling back in time to save the Cleveland Barons.

Follow me on twitter @steveintheKT.  (If my twitter account becomes self aware you better just say a small prayer for humanity and go to be with your family.  

Let Hockey Night in Canada Be Your Spirit Guide

I live by some pretty simple rules.

1. No eye contact or talking in the bathroom. I know what you did in there. You know what I did in there. No need for an Anderson Cooper moderated discussion about it.
2.  If you haven’t seen The Godfather, I want nothing to do with you. Seriously, I have changed Godparents to my daughter, because my wife’s friend’s husband kept pronouncing it Lou Cabrazzi instead of Luca Brasi.

What’s your point, Steve? What’s my point? Well, Sherman, my point is this…We all want to believe in something, right? I mean, even Aquaman had the Justice League. Sure, he managed the snack bar, and did the laundry, (well, until Wonder Woman’s underwear went missing) but at least he got to show up to meetings.

Anyways, we’re all looking to believe in something, right?  We’re all looking to be grouped together and put under the same umbrella, aren’t we? Well, hockey fans, lovers of astrology, and collectors of ceramic kitties, why not let a Hockey Night in Canada Totem be your guide….

Who is your Hockey Night in Canada Spirit Guide?

PJ Stock – The Chatty Peacock

People born under this sign are positive, extroverted and impassioned.   You’ve never sent an email that wasn’t in all caps. When you put something in air quotes, your hands are usually holding castanets. You’ve replaced “heart” and “dreams” with “giant” and “tie knot” on all the “Successories” posters in your office.

You are generally an upbeat person, but you wish Gus Johnson would stop going through the motions, or that Brian Wilson would do something to stand out from the crowd. The Chatty Peacock is also very spontaneous and rolls well with the punches. Sometimes, you’ll style your hair into something called the “seductive hedgehog” or you’ll use it to nurse a family of abandoned baby woodpeckers back to health.

Your excitement and enthusiasm can sometimes be mistaken as twitchy or high strung. Pay no attention to the naysayers. Sure, PETA has you listed as the number one reason high functioning border collies paint their nails black and cut themselves, but you can’t please everyone.  Just remember, things could always be worse. You could be Liam McHugh.

Don Cherry – The Harmlessly Racist Owl (Good Canadian Racist Owls!)

People born under this sign are creative, zealous and wise-ish. You lead a hectic, always on the go lifestyle. You’ve barely got time to argue all your slander lawsuits down to simple defamation of character. Whether it’s the spring in your step or the rosy red colour of your cheeks, you’re the picture of health. Sure, you’re often mistaken for, B.F. Pinkerton in the CBC staging of Madame Butterfly but it’s totally worth that pinkish hue.

Friends know that they can depend on you, unless you’re negotiating for a new contract with a Crown Corporation. And people always comment upon your loyalty.  That is why you’ve decided to have Ron McLean stuffed and mounted for your game room when the time comes.

That’s not to say you’re without flaws. You can be stubborn at times, and unwilling to embrace change. But with good reason, I mean, what can a few CAT scans and suicides prove anyways? However, you’re never too proud to admit when you’re wrong and presented with the truth and or subpoena.

People will always be drawn to you. You often overpower every other personality in the room; sometimes with wit, but more often than not with jackets made from the curtains at a French brothel.
And on occasion you may be prone to fits of melancholia and delusions of grandeur, or as it’s called in the medical community: “Saturday Night after the First period.”

Pierre McGuire – The Proud Tortoise

People born under this sign are gregarious, intelligent and proud. You never go more than 5 minutes without reminding people you had something to do with drafting Chris Pronger or your possibly being the inspiration for "The Monopoly Guy."

You’re impulsive, but willing to listen, unless you have something to say which has nothing to do with the current conversation. Why shouldn’t you interrupt this ridiculous “diagnosis” of your Uncle’s heart condition with something super important, like why Chara plays with a long stick.

You’re a stickler for the old ways, the traditions upon which our culture is built. That’s why you make it your goal in life to call everyone by their full name. Who cares if that’s not their real name? I mean, how else will people know that you and Robert Gordon Orr once made eye contact while waiting in line for a urinal at a Tim Horton’s in Moose Factory, Quebec?

Sadly, the Proud Tortoise is not with faults. Your attention to detail and repetition of tasks can lead to bizarre sexual disorders. This can lead to things like making your wife call you a “Monster” in the bedroom or unable to achieve arousal unless you’re sandwiched between two pieces of plexiglass with a wireless microphone and Marty Turco mocking you in the background.

Mike Milbury – The Blustery Wind

People born under this sign are logical, shrewd business men and ruled by rational thought. Unfortunately, it’s like a Pop-O-Matic bubble if you reside in the Greater Long Island Area. You’ll always be known for your work ethic and tenacity. You don’t care how long it takes to plagiarize last night’s Coach’s Corner for the American audience you’re going to get it done.

Follow me on twitter @steveintheKT   I’ve got to get going.  I’m on a short list to see Roberto Luongo’s new mask. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s painted to look like Corey Schneider.

Roberto Luongo Hates You! No, You! Yeah, That Guy!

"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. "

Well, it’s October again, and that can only mean three things:

1.   Long, agonizing car rides listening to the many reasons why Starbuck’s should be selling Pumpkin Spice Latte’s year round. Here’s my rule… If your order at a coffee place has more than 4 words, we can’t be friends. If your coffee order exceeds the 4 word rule, it’s a lock you’ve worn a fedora at some point.

2.   Flu season is right around the corner. Look, I’m not asking for you to go all, Contagion biohazard suit or anything, but for the love of God, don’t touch me. I miss the good old days, when I could just use my crippling emotional pain and neuroses for reasons not to be touched. Way to screw me, Oprah.

3.   The Canucks are in their October lull. Specifically, Roberto Luongo is in his October lull.   

We’re not even 10 games into the season and Vancouverites are already picking up their pitchforks and torches and getting ready to run Roberto Luongo out of town.  It seems in the last few years, the fuse on the average Canuck’s fan’s keg of dynamite has grown ever so, Wil E. Coyote shorter and shorter in response to the lackluster start of Luongo’s seasons.

Slow to the puck, horrible rebound control, lack of focus, goes down more than a heavy set cheerleader with low self esteem. You name it, Luongo has been tagged with every criticism a goalie can possibly be labeled with, and after last year’s failure to protect a 2 game lead in the Stanley Cup final, fans are quicker than ever this season to call him out on his viscous October (Slow-tober. And Yes, I’m trademarking that).

What makes it worse for most fans, is the “Woodersonesque” way that Alain Vigneault and Mike Gillis seem to accept is as de rigueur when confronted by the media and fans. If the Canuck’s brass were to take more of a hard line stance with Luongo would the fan’s vitriol be less so? “Well, yeah, he sucks, but Vigneault is trying to light a fire under him. So, uhmm, there's that.”  

Instead, year after year the Canuck’s tow the party line, and not only is Luongo defended,  it seems like he’s given a free pass. Is this normal? Would this happen on another team? I mean, Calgary seems to be cool with Kiprusoff’s and Iginla’s tortoise like crawl to November, but here’s the difference, Calgary doesn’t have a goalie that could be a solid number one on most other teams, sitting in a hat on the far side of the bench.

We’re barely into the season, I mean, Don Cherry hasn’t even pissed off (Insert ethnic and or special interest group) yet.  In the recent game against the New York Rangers, Luongo gave up four goals in the 3^rd period, and although you can argue those goals weren’t his fault, the fact that Henrik Lundqvist was impenetrable on the other end only added fuel to the fire and resulted in jeers from the crowd.

Yes, jeers! Not boos, stony passive aggressive silence, but jeers. Now, I know what you’re thinking, (“Hey, they’re just jeers!) but Roberto Luongo isn’t’ exactly middle aged English woman when it comes to keeping his emotions in check.  These are jeers, people! There’s a reason it’s “Cheers and Jeers” in the TV Guide. Jeers are not good.

It’s hard to feel sorry for Luongo. He brings a lot of the ridicule, criticism, obscene limericks on himself. I mean, it’s not like he has it hard or anything. You know who has it tough? Franklin Amrstrong from The Peanuts. Hey, you try being the only black kid in a  close knit Vermont community. And to make it worse, your only friend is a closet lesbian. Although, secretly (OK, in my own unpublished fan fiction) Violet really had a thing for Franklin. She looks like she’d grow up to be freaky; I think it’s the bun.

All the fans want is a guy who stops the puck when he's supposed to stop the puck.

So, yeah, Luongo sucks in October, the fans want him out, the management seems apathetic towards the fans. This has all the makings of a Tyler Perry movie. Wait, Tyler Perry-ish.

And yeah, YEAH, I’ve got a stake in this; I’ve got a wife and kids! I need the Canucks to go as deep into the post season as possible, or else I’m going to wind up at a Pottery Barn in mid May looking at pewter napkin rings, or hearing about the differences between Cate Blanchette and Kate Winslet. (Spoiler… Unless you have an odd Merchant Ivory fetish, they should be way, way down on your laminated cards.)

I don’t want to be the guy getting conversationally roofied by another parent at youth soccer who wants my Facebook info so they can add me to their “Stamp Out High Fructose Corn Syrup” page. (Sidenote… Why all the fuss about high fructose corn syrup? I grew up with High Fructose corn syrup and I seemed to have turned out OK. I don’t remember any death row interviews with John Wayne Gacy where he wishes he’d had a parent who would have kept him away from the Count Chocula.)

I rarely play the “man card,” as a matter of fact, I will disown you if you put “man” in front of the words, “cave,” “hug” and “crush”. The only acceptable uses of “man” is as follows “-wich” “-imal” and “Six Million Dollar…”  but I’m a man, I need to be on the couch surrounded by the bones of hot wings (As a sign to other snack foods that their demise is inevitable) and a roughly thought out idea for a production of “Glengarry Glenross” with emotionally dead ‘tweens.

Anyways, here’s few things Robert Luongo could be doing in October while Cory Schneider all but secures us the Northwest Crown by October 31^st:

1.   Roberto Luongo, member of “The Crest Team” - Things go perfectly fine until the real fat cavity creep gets in his head and then it’s a jackhammer here, a pick axe there and before you know it, the worst case of gingivitis in the history of dentistry. I mean, bad. Steve Buscemi on a toffee bender, bad.

2.   Roberto Luongo, Storm Trooper ID #45632 – Darth Vader: “OK, Ro-b-erto, good to see you here. Look, I’m going to just level with you; this “Death Star” has a bit of a flaw. One space torpedo in the wrong spot and Kablooooey! So, all you gotta do is not let any space torpedoes get by you. Think you can handle it? Oh, what? It’s October 7^th, why?”

3.   Roberto Luongo, Hardy Boy – The Mystery of the Old Mill goes unsolved because Roberto refuses to admit Joe is the brains of the operation. Joe and Frank go onto mystery solving super stardom. Roberto ends up getting Simon and Simon’s mail.

4.   Roberto Luongo, as one of the people on the island in LOST. The smoke monster kills 8 people as Roberto argues with Jack over the rules about hunting at night. Later on, he blmes their deaths on the little Australian dude standing in front of him.    

Follow me on Twitter @SteveintheKT. I won’t pump your tires.